不得不笑的英语笑话

Nearing the end, Stanislaw is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, "I must tell you my greatest secret." His family urges him to go on.

临死之前，Stanislaw被他挚爱的家人包围着。知道自己的最后时刻就要来了，他拿出所有力气，轻声耳语，“我必须告诉你们一个最大的秘密。”他的家人催他赶紧说。

"Before I got married, I had it all," Stanislaw explains. "Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, 'Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you're on your deathbed.' So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?"

Stanislaw说，“在我结婚之前，我什么都有：靓车，美女，还有大把大把的钱。但是一个好朋友警告我说，‘你应该结婚，建立一个家庭，否则当你奄奄一息躺在床上时，都没个人会为你端茶倒水。’于是我听取了他的建议，离开了姑娘们，娶了一个妻子。我不再把钱花在啤酒上，而是留下来给孩子们买吃的。我卖掉了我的法拉利，投资了大学基金。所以现在才有了你们。可你们知道吗?”

"What?"

“知道什么?”

"I'm not even thirsty!"

“我现在一点都不渴啊!”

My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy.

我表妹总是从她哥哥的小猪扑满里“借钱”，她哥哥对此事感到很愤怒。

One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator.

一天，表妹四处寻找，最后竟然在冰箱里发现了扑满。

Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen."

扑满里有张纸条：“亲爱的妹妹，我希望你能够理解，我的资产现在已被冻结。”

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

一位男士在进行手术前被发现正沿着医院的大厅逃离。

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

“发生了什么?”有人问他。

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

男士回答道：“我听见护士说，‘这只是一个简单的手术。不用担心，我相信不会出问题的。’”

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

“她这样做是想让你感到安心啊，有什么好害怕的?”

"She was talking to the damn doctor!"

“可她是在对那该死的手术医生说!”

Some businessmen were talking about advertising on TV excitedly. As none of them had ever done it before, every one had his point of view.

一群商人正热烈地讨论在电视上做广告。他们中没有人做过，所以每个人都有自己的想法。

At this moment, Mr. Grey came by. Grey was a car dealer and he had once made an advertisement.

此时，格雷先生进来了。格雷是一个汽车经销商，他曾经做过一次广告。

"What are you talking about?" Mr. Grey asked.

“你们在讨论什么?”格雷先生问。

"Does advertisement work or not?" one of the businessmen asked.

“广告有用不?”其中一位商人问。

"Oh, yes, it works very fast," Mr. Grey said. " I once advertised for my watch-dog and offered a reward of $100."

“噢，有用，而且见效非常快。”格雷先生说，“我曾经发布了一条广告，要招聘一个值班员，报酬是100美金。”

"Did you get the dog back?"

“你招聘到人了吗?”

"No, but that very night three of my cars were stolen."

“没，但是那个晚上我的三辆车被偷走了。”

5 A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

某人去朋友家拜访，发现朋友竟然在跟自家的狗下象棋，大为错愕。

He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

他旁观了一会儿，当时就震惊了。

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

“我简直不敢相信!”他大叫，“我从没见过那么聪明的狗!”

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

“哪里聪明了，”朋友回答，“五局中我赢了三局呢!”

In a cinema during a performance one of the audience gets up, makes his way along the row of seats and goes out into the foyer.

在一家电影院里，一名观众在演出期间站了起来，沿着他那排位子走到休息室去了。

A few minutes later he returns and asks the man sitting at the head of the row:

几分钟后，他回到那排位子并问坐在首位的那位男士道：

"Excuse me, was it your foot I stepped on when I was going out a moment ago?"

“对不起，请问我刚才出去的时候是踩着你的脚吗?”

"Yes, but it doesn't really matter. It didn't hurt at all."

“是的，不过没什么关系，一点也不疼。”

"Oh, no, it isn't that. I only want to make sure that this is my row."

“噢，不，我不是这个意思。我只是想确认一下这是不是我的那排位子。”